When I entered the church as a young, fresh out of basic training, United States Air Force Airman Basic (E-1) at the ripe old age of 18, I was met by an older man who nearly immediately became my mentor. His name was Robert E. Lee. No, he wasn't that famous Confederate general of the Civil War. He was a gentle old man with such love and compassion for younger people.
The kids new him as the "candy man" because he gave each child at church one piece of hard candy after services. He new every child's name, their candy preferences, and their parent's restrictions. Every one else called him simply "Brother Lee."
Having never been away from home for such a long time, Brother Lee recognized the homesickness and struggle I was going through. He would tell me that things would pass and that I would do great things in the future after my training. He was just always there and able to give advice on any subject.
After nine months in technical training, I got orders to another base and left. I thought often about Brother Lee, but as a young person with lots of life ahead of me, I soon forgot my old friend and was married and started a family. Four years later, I found myself back at the same base, this time as a technical instructor. This time when I entered the church building, I had a wife and two small children. Brother Lee was the first to meet me at the door and hug me. He remembered me and he still seemed robust and on his game.
His role shifted a bit for me because now I was a father and husband. He would tell me stories about his children and working with the church. He saw how people engaged with me and wanted me to take on responsibility at church. One day in a quiet tone which was his typical way, he asked to speak with me for a few minutes. We sat down on some chairs near the door and he discussed priorities with me. He cautioned me to remember to put my family first in all things. He said he was concerned that if I got too busy, I would potentially lose my family, maybe not physically, but more from a family tightness point of view. Through this conversation I could see pain in his eyes. I think perhaps he was speaking from experience, though I did not ask.
Brother Lee eventually got sick and it was clear to me that he would not live much longer. He was always a skinny older man and being sick was quickly sapping all his strength. One day I was talking with his wife and she told me that she couldn't get him to eat much any more. That day I was going on a fishing trip as part of a festival for the coastal community we lived in. We were going shrimping on a real shrimp boat! Many hours of dragging a net yielded a ton of shrimp, but also all kinds of fish. Knowing that my friend, Brother Lee, liked mullet, I quickly grabbed a few for my friend as we divided the left over fish.
I called the house and let them know that I was coming with the fish and Brother Lee's wife was so happy because she thought he might eat some. I brought the fish and visited with my friend for quite some time. I don''t remember much about the conversation, but I do remember the pain he was in and how frail he was. I don't know if he ate the fish or not. I never asked. Just a few days later, my friend, Brother Robert E. Lee passed away.
Since that day, I often think about his guidance and the way he loved me. I think about his advice which lives on inside me. I find myself giving others the same kind of advice now. I really miss my friend.
Brother Lee had the family support to stay at home and not enter a nursing facility. He had many friends and a strong church family. Unfortunately, this is not true of many older people. Often, because of extenuating circumstances, the elderly are placed in nursing homes and exposed to all kinds of difficulties. It is estimated by nursinghomeabuse.com that upward to 5 million elderly are abused each year. This is incredible. The same article goes on to say that only 1 in 14 cases of abuse are actually reported.
According to Steinburg, Goldman & Kalish Law Firm, there are indications to look for in elderly people that may indicate active abuse. Those indicators are bruising, changes in mood or personality, and open sores. Often however, especially in older people, there's blood thinners, dementia, and bed sores that occur even in the best facilities. It is hard to really know what is going on when you leave your loved one behind.
What can you do? First and foremost, before placing a loved one in a skilled nursing facility, do your homework. Research all you can about previous cases brought on the nursing home and staff. Physically visit the facility and talk with the staff and patients. Look for signs of abuse or neglect in the patients. Talk with friends that have loved ones in facilities and find the best rated. Second, once you place your loved one, be vigilant and be present and involved in their care. Being involved is a human shield of protection you provide to your loved one. Third, know the regulations and rights of a nursing home patient and have a clear legal understanding of how to report concerns to the staff of the facility. Along with this, be sure to have powers of attorney, wills and living wills in place. Finally, if you suspect abuse, be prepared to engage an attorney and to register a complaint on the facility.
Nursing facilities can be a great blessing or a terrible tragedy to our families. Vigilance and knowledge are your super power when dealing with them. I am happy my friend didn't have to endure a nursing facility, but I know many others that do need them. Having a plan, possessing knowledge of rights, and being an advocate for your loved one can make the difference in how your experience will be viewed. Older people who once counseled us and cared for us are now in a position of vulnerability. We owe them so much for who we are.
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